My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
