No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
