just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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