He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
