I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
