I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize