He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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