Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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