You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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