i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
