Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
