Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
