My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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