That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
