I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
