I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
