That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
