My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
