Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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