i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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