are you so shy because you have an std?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We need a shit load of segways right now
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
