You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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