I like my sex mixed with concussions.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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