I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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