you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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