i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
