Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
