ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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