Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
