Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
