Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
