On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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