I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
