my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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