Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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