happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize