I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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