I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
