I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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