Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
