Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
