Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
