Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize