marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
