I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
