I CAN MOONWALK!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
