I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize