I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
