I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
