Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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