I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
