oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This baby is an asshole
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
