There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
