now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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