ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize